I am going to give you the best morning routine to avoid feeling like a victim. Lately I’ve been hearing from a number of clients, friends, and family who are feeling like victims. They feel helpless in the face of what’s going on in the world, difficult relationships with friends and family, dissatisfaction with their jobs, and more. Why?
Because they feel like all day long all they do is fight all the crap that’s getting thrown at them. And by the end of the day they feel beaten down and frustrated. Let me tell you about this conversation I had the other day with a friend.
The Best Morning Routine to Avoid Feeling Like a Victim:
My friend and I were both going through some similar family situations that we would have preferred to skip. Or at least wait and read the summary later. She kept saying things like, “Why do I have to spend time with people who make me feel bad about myself? If we weren’t related, I wouldn’t even choose to be friends with these people! I feel like I keep trying to love people who don’t treat me the way I ask them to and I hate it.”
My inner smart-alec asked, do you have to be friends with them to love them? What if you stopped spending time with them? Who is going to condemn you?
I think she cussed at me a little and asked me how I could remain so calm when our situations seemed similar and she knows me so well. Here is what I told her about avoiding feeling like a victim.
Magic Bullet #1: Every day I wake up and make a decision that I am going to be ok that day.
She asked, regardless of what?
I answered, regardless of anything, anything and everything! I choose to decide in advance that I’m going to be unapologetically me, that I’m going to show up in the way I want to show up, that I’m going to respond to things in a way that is typical for me to respond. Overall in spite of how anyone else behaves I’m going to be my brand and i’m going to walk and live in that.
This has been transformational for me. I decide before I even put my feet on the floor in the morning that I can handle anything that comes at me thru the course of the day. I have already decided that I’m going to respond in a particular way, so i just act on that.
The magic of this is I don’t have to make decisions in the moment when my emotions are running high. I don’t have to decide then, because I decided earlier when I wasn’t feeling the effects of this unexpected event.
Stuff is going to come at me, every day, just like it comes at you. In fact, I think the bolder you are and the braver and more powerful, the more stuff comes at you. Powerful women are magnets for opportunities to demonstrate their power.Powerful women are magnets for opportunities to demonstrate their power. ~ Allegra Sinclair
If I wake up and I don’t set an intention for the day, then I’m not prepared for my day. So what happens is, as stuff comes at me I might respond poorly. That’s how people show up janky (janky is an adjective used to describe a person, place or thing that is undesirable), and get caught on tape saying and doing things they wish they could take back. I have an excellent memory so I want to avoid adding any more things that I will regret.
So the first step in the best morning routine is to decide in advance who you will be and how you will show up. I decide not to let anything steal my peace. so nothing does.
Magic Bullet #2: Every morning I lower my expectations of others.
The next thing I do is lower my expectations. of others. Go ahead and swallow that becuase I meant to say that. I am not talking parent-child relationships, I can’t speak to that.
What I’m saying is, when we place expectations on others, we put ourselves in a position to be disappointed. More than that, we are asking to feel like a victim, because we can’t control what other people do. Putting our expectations on others is also pretty arrogant, yes? Who am I to say that I know better than you what’s right for you? When I put my expectations on you I’m saying, “I know better than you, what’s right for you.” It’s natural to want to share what we believe or what we want someone else to do, but that’s about us, not anyone else.Putting our expectations on others is pretty arrogant. Who are we to say that we know better than they do about what’s right for them?
So I’m suggesting that we all place our expectations of others at a level where we can accept people as they come. We can always make a decision not to accept them as they come, too.
If I don’t shower you with my expectations, I can just be delighted with what you do when you show up. And if I’m not delighted, I can make a decision about how much time to spend with you. Seriously. We really have a lot of power in our relationships that we don’t see because we’re wrapped up in whether or not people are meeting our expectations.
Now before you think I am creating an environment where people can just show up and behave any old way, that could not be further from the truth. I don’t place expectations on you but I do believe the crap out of what you’re capable of doing. I have ridiculous, epic belief in what you can do. I believe you can do the highest, best stuff evah.I won't burden you with my expectations, but my belief in you, will give you wings!
The second step in the best morning routine is to lower your expectations in other people and instead, increase your belief in them.
Magic Bullet 3: Each day release yourself from responsibility for others.
One of the greatest gifts I got from training to be a coach is the knowledge that I am not responsible for your stuff. I’m not responsible for your successes, your failures, your understanding, none of that.
If I acknowledge that I’m not responsible for others, it lowers my stress immediately. And how can I feel like a victim when what others choose to do has nothing to do with me? Step 3 of the best morning routine, releasing yourself from feeling responsible for other people’s actions, is magic.
Have you ever tried to love somebody into doing something? What about loving them into not doing something? How’d that work out?
The story we tell ourselves is that we CAN’T own your results, but the truth is owning your results is not our job. That is so far out of our lane, it’s in a completely different zip code.
The other adults in my world are grown and can make their own decisions. AND that means I don’t have to pick up the pieces after their decisions. I can choose the number of times that I will watch somebody throw themselves into a fire and feel compelled to show up with a fire extinguisher. And I get to cheer loudly when someone does something I would have recommended against and it turns out great!
The great thing about releasing this responsibility is that it releases pressure on you. If you’re not responsible for other’s people success or failure, doesn’t that change how you view life, and how you show up? Doesn’t that make it easier to decide every morning that you can handle whatever comes your way because you’ll only be handling your stuff.
Sometimes you need to get out of people’s way and remember that you can love people really hard from a distance. You can really love someone AND be gravely disappointed in their behavior. The disappointment doesn’t cancel out the love.
And you don’t have to express every thought you have or agree with every decision. Your relationships will improve when you realize people can decide what’s best for them and it doesn’t have to affect your relationship with them.You can really love someone AND be gravely disappointed in their behavior. The disappointment doesn't cancel out the love.
The magic of your best morning routine:
The way I manage myself on a daily basis so I don’t feel like a victim is, I don’t worry about things that really aren’t in my control. What I can control is focusing on my own stuff, releasing the lie that I’m responsible for others, increasing my belief in people while lowering the burden of my expectations, and deciding every day how I want to show up.
If you have another strategy for taking charge of your daily routine, let me know in the comments below.
Be sure to tune in to next week’s episode because it takes the self care conversation to a whole new level. And the week after that, come back for a big girl panties conversation, because we’re going to look at abusive relationships, but not in a way that I think you have ever thought about them before.
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