Lessons from a Recovering Good Girl

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Jean Haynes stopped by the podcast to share her story as a recovering good girl. She thought it was ok to follow the same path as everyone else when she was young, but when she got older, she found she had lost touch with what she really wanted. And then she had to find the courage to do what she wanted even though she was worried that people would judge her. This led her on a journey to re-connecting with herself and deciding to live fully. She gave herself permission to be who she was and now she’s a recovering good girl!

So many women are stuck because they are asking permission to live fully. Is it ok if I shine? If I speak in a meeting? If I leave this bad relationship? We have this yearning for someone to tell us that we’re ok.

In today’s show we discussed:

  • What a classic good girl is and what her life looks like.
  • The danger in following the rules and following a path that’s not really your own.
  • What happens when you don’t have focus.
  • Why she thought a referral to a life coach meant she was a hot mess.
  • If you find you’re disconnected from who you are, how do you re-connect?
  • How can you tell if your life is broken?
  • How you know where to set boundaries.

Your confidence assassin isn’t alone, sometimes she has external partners.

You don’t flip a switch, it takes time to step into who you really are. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, that’s a story we tell ourselves.

The 3 things women do to sabotage themselves:

  1. Counting ourselves out before we even begin
  2. Being afraid of speaking up
  3. Failing to set boundaries

You don’t have to reinvent yourself but just let the real you come out.

Jean Haynes. 

Jean Haynes is a career and leadership speaker, trainer and coach. Her core focus is supporting ambitious professional women who want to sync high performance and profit with their purpose and values so they can live and lead authentically.

Lessons from a Recovering Good Girl

Jean is also a recovering Good Girl who understands the pressure of trying to "do it all" perfectly while keeping everyone happy and the thinking that drives this behavior. She's on a mission to help other high achieving women kick self-sabotaging Good Girl habits so they can become the happiest, most powerful and confident version of themselves.

Jean has an MBA in marketing and bring years of professional experience in fund development, consulting and training. Her career spans corporate, nonprofit and entrepreneurial sectors enabling her to connect seamlessly with women across industries.

Episode Resources:

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Good Girl Quiz

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Tweet Worthy:

Be a detective in your own life and look for the things that make you light up. ~ Jean Haynes Click to Tweet The approval we need most, that we tend to deny ourselves, is our own. ~ Jean Haynes Click to Tweet So many people don't have anyone in their world who will tell them it's ok to be exactly where they are. We are starving for that kind of affirmation. ~ Allegra Sinclair Click to Tweet When you show up as your best self, you may not have to do as much and you can get better results. ~ Jean Haynes Click to Tweet Power comes from trying something outside of our comfort zones. ~Jean Haynes Click to Tweet We hide in our busy-ness and use it as a badge of honor. We deny the tensions and hide from our lives. ~ Jean Haynes Click to Tweet If I'm too busy to pay attention to how miserable I am, then I don't have to deal with it. ~ Allegra Sinclair Click to Tweet You don't have to reinvent yourself, you just need to come home to who you are. ~ Jean Haynes Click to Tweet

Full Transcript:

Allegra Sinclair:  Hey, this is Allegra, welcome to this week’s episode of the podcast. I have a guest with me that I have really connected with, someone who was like me in another life. We had so many similarities and commonalities I kept wondering why I didn’t know her before. My guest today is Jean Haynes. Jean is a career and leadership speaker, trainer and coach. But here’s the delicious part: she helps professional women sync high performance and profit with their purpose and values, so we can live and lead authentically. How yummy is that? She’s also a recovering good girl who understands the pressure of trying to do it all perfectly while keeping everyone happy and the thinking that drives this behavior. Jean is on a mission to help other high-achieving women kick self-sabotaging good girl habits so they can the happiest, most powerful and confident version of themselves. Welcome Jean.

Jean Haynes:  Well, thank you for having me. It’s my delight to be here with you today.

Allegra Sinclair:  I am so excited I’m like a puppy shaking her little butt in the air. So let me just stop for a moment because I obviously have a headstart on the folks who are listening. Tell me a little bit about your background and how you came to help women sync their performance with their purpose and values.

Jean Haynes: Well, I was the classic good girl and I believe that there was a path for me in life and I started out going to college, going to Grad School, getting an MBA in marketing and I worked in advertising and I worked in nonprofit for a long time and then into consulting. So I followed these rules. I followed this path, but always there was a little bit of a disconnect for me and I sometimes felt like I wasn’t totally being myself. It took me a pretty long time to come to grips with this. And what happened was that I was in my own consulting practice at this point. I had gone into New York to talk to someone because I felt like things were, like there was something more for me and I couldn’t figure out what it was and it was driving me crazy. So I said, all right, I’m going to go get some help.

And there was this woman who had been a mentor to me and I said, I’m going to talk to her because if anyone can give me great advice it’s her. So we met up in New York and we had lunch and then after lunch we, you know, I was telling her over lunch, well, you know, I’m not sure about this and that. And after lunch we’re standing at a traffic light. And she turned to me and she said, Jean, you have all the talent. You have this experience. You have the ideas but really, you’re not clear on your focus. And so of course I was absolutely devastated at first. I’m like, oh my God, here’s my hero telling me I have no focus. And so as things happen, you know, my mind kind of froze and that was the phrase that I stuck on. You know, you don’t have your focus, you don’t have your focus.

And so, it took me a minute to get my brain back on track and then I thought, wait a minute, here is Andrea and she is living the dream. Basically she works four days a week so she can have fun Fridays. She’s writing books, she’s starting a second company and she’s telling me I don’t have focus and she offered me an introduction to life coach. And she did that well, blind reaction Allegra. This is funny because I didn’t know much about life coaching and I thought she must think I am a train wreck. I didn’t understand what it was and what the power of life coaching could have in someone’s life. And so I thought about it and a week later I called her coach and we started working together and long story short, something surprising happened.

I thought she was going to help me reboot my business career in a different direction, which is what happened, but the surprise was I fell in love with life coaching and I realized, well, I have all this corporate and nonprofit consulting experience and I can do strategies and all this stuff, but there’s this amazing world of our minds and our thinking and how that affects our happiness, the choices we make and how we show up in the world. So that’s the short story or longer story of how I ended up being a life coach and finding this work with women like me who are a lot like me, who felt there’s something more, but there’s something getting in my way and I’m not sure how I get clear and what I should do about it.

Allegra Sinclair: There was so much good stuff in that, but I’m just thinking back to that moment. So you’ve already had lunch, right? You reached out to your mentor. Because you’re like, OK, there’s something missing. I don’t know what it is, so you’ve already had lunch and then you’re standing at the stop sign and then she turns to you and says that you don’t have focus. I’m like, wow, you went through the whole lunch. You’re probably feeling pretty good about yourself. And then you had that moment when she went, yeah, you’re all of these great things but you don’t have focus. And I’m just thinking, what did that feel like?

Jean Haynes: Well, as I said, the first, it first hit me like, oh my gosh, you know, here’s somebody that you really look up to. And for her to point out something that seems like a flaw was like, oh, that, that’s a bad thing, but I am so grateful. I’m so grateful she said it. And then she made this introduction for me because it changed my life.

Allegra Sinclair: I love that because here’s the other piece of that. It wasn’t that she said, you, well let me say this because I don’t know her, but I’m virtually certain that she didn’t say, uh, you have no focus in a way that she thought, oh my gosh, this will make you feel like this is a character flaw. In her mind it was probably way more matter of fact than that. But when we think like that, the story we tell ourselves about what she meant is what sends you. I think you said your brain froze. That’s what causes that freeze because you didn’t hear. Oh, OK, this is one aspect of you. You heard. Oh my gosh, she thinks I’m a hot mess.

Jean Haynes: That’s exactly what I heard but you said it better.

Allegra Sinclair: Yes, you heard I’m the hottest of messes and now she wants me to go do this other thing. I love that. So tell me how that then translates into coaching because I’m fascinated by the whole recovering good girl thing. I don’t really know what that is, but I think I might be that.

Jean Haynes: Well, to tell you a little bit about how I felt, I claimed that title of good girl is when I look back as you go through life coaching and training, you know, you do a lot of work on yourself and the things that make you who you are. And so when I look back at my patterns, I noticed, you know, when I was little it was, you know, go to school, get good grades, keep everybody happy. And that was kind of the good girl thing. And if I did that, life was good. My parents were happy, the teacher was happy, people liked me and so it’s easy to buy into that. But what happened to me is I kept doing it and maybe what you do at 10] is OK for a 10 year old, but when you’re doing that at 30 or 40, it’s really not the right way to be true to yourself.

Jean Haynes: And so what I found by doing that was that I was starting to lose who I really was, who I wanted to be. And I had this fear if I showed up that way. I think first of all, I had to figure out what it was because I had lost touch with it, and then second was to sort of overcome that fear of if I go in this direction, if I say I’m never working in corporate again, I’m not wearing a suit again, people would judge me and they might find fault and that would be a terrible thing. You know, we’re wired for connection. So that fear of rejection is really powerful.

Allegra Sinclair:  If this was food, I’d be going back for seconds. It’s just yummy. So in that moment, I love what you called out first. You had to figure out who that was. So first of all, let me say yes, I am a recovering good girl. I didn’t have that phrase, but yes, I also had that moment when I was standing in my office with the fabulous view, you know, with all the trappings that people said would make my life magical. And I was looking out the window going, I don’t know who this chick is wearing my clothes, and WHY is she doing this for a living? And then as I started to peel that back and I thought, oh OK, so my mom wanted this, or my dad wanted this, or all these other people said this is who I should be. And for me, I stayed stuck there longer than I would’ve liked because of what you just said, you get disconnected from wherever you are. So how did you reconnect? Cause I think a lot of us get to that place where we recognize OK, what I’m doing isn’t working, but the first step away from that is to figure out what would work. But if you’ve been disconnected from it for a period of time, how do you get back?

Jean Haynes: Well I think that’s a fabulous question and it can be overwhelming and it can keep. It kept me stuck for a long time. Absolutely. And so for me it was to take baby steps, and I know that sounds really trite, but when you come from a corporate background, you have strategic planning and that’s it. Your background. So I’m thinking I need this giant plan and I have to have all these bells and whistles and that overwhelmed me and kept me stuck because I felt I can’t do this. And so it was, what is one thing? What’s one thing that I can do? What’s one thing that makes me happy and to think back and certainly taking life coaching, training. They walk you through that process of who you really are like going back to your childhood, what did you love to do and what, you know, I talk to people and they’re doing something like accounting and they’re blah blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they start to talk about I paint on the weekend and they totally light up. You can see there’s something there in the painting and that creative side of them that’s, that’s crying to come out, but they’re doing the practical thing and maybe it needs to pay bills or whatever that is, but it’s looking for those clues. And I think you can be a detective in your own life and start to look for those things.

Allegra Sinclair: That is tweetable right there. Be a detective in your own life.

Jean Haynes: Yeah, and start to look for those things like what did I love to do as a kid? What makes me happy now? Because one of the first things that it’s kind of embarrassing to say this, one of the first things the life coach said to me was, you’re not having any fun. It doesn’t sound like you’re having any fun, and that was my first assignment from her was to figure out some things that are fun for me and go do them. And I’m thinking corporate, I want this done fast and I’m thinking, what’s she talking about? Why is she telling me to go have fun? Like that has nothing to do with a life plan. And of course it did. She was far wiser than I initially realized because that got me back in touch with the things that I really love to do.

Allegra Sinclair:  So one of the other things you said was after you figured out who you were, and I think figuring out how to have fun is an amazing place to start. Because I think that we kind of, it’s like we accept things in children that we kind of try to like train ourselves out of, you know. I was on a podcast the other day and the host asked me what I wanted to be when I was a child and I was taken aback for a moment because I was like, wow, do you know how long it’s been since I thought about that? What is asking that going to create? It’s not just what I wanted to be when I was a child. How long has it been since someone asked me what I wanted to be, period.

So that was magic. I don’t know if he recognized that, but in that moment I was like, oooh, that was magical. I’m just going to have to figure out how to bring that back to myself regularly. When you were talking about then needing to decide what that new thing looks like, but that hesitation of what other people would say. That’s deep. So I talk about my inner confidence assassin, but she’s not alone, right? Sometimes she has partners who are external to me, but who are equally powerful. So I think you characterize it as people would judge you. I think that is a really strong deterrent. I mean, here you are ready to punch fear in the throat and really step into who you really are and there’s all sorts of courage needed to do that. And then here come people bringing their well-meaning suggestions or their judgment. I mean, how do you deal with that?

Jean Haynes: Well, I think it comes down to getting to that place and it takes time and work and I won’t say it still doesn’t come up, but it’s getting to that place where you feel strong in yourself and that the approval you really need, most of all that we tend to deny ourselves is our own. And so when we have put everything into what other people think and that’s the source of our value, then we’re in a tough place because it makes, it sort of cripples us that we can’t move forward towards what we really want. And so what I have learned to do is to just thank them for your opinion and then just go ahead and do what it is I’m going to do anyway. But it really did take me, you know, I was the classic good girl. I mean, you know, I did.

Jean Haynes: I followed all the rules and so for me to step out, it took time and I didn’t want people to understand that it doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t flip a switch. It’s a process. And so I think getting back to those small steps, it’s, you know, maybe the first thing that I’m doing is I’m putting my job and starting my own business. It’s doing a little bit on the side as I see how that develops while I’m doing the job. Maybe it’s working part time and a lot of people think it’s an all or nothing and it really doesn’t have to be. It’s never black and white like that. It’s just, you know, you can figure out what works for you.

Allegra Sinclair: I think the other mistake that people make besides thinking it’s all or nothing is they believe that what you did is the only way of doing it, right. So I understand why we want case studies and why we want to hear what other people have done because their stories give us hope. I absolutely understand that. But that doesn’t mean that the way you found yourself, moved forward, did all those things. That doesn’t mean that if my path is different than my path is wrong now, not at all. I think the only thing that we try to do, and it’s funny because in our quest to really be ourselves so we can show up, we sometimes fall into the habit of like imitating other people which sounds a little bit crazy, right?

Jean Haynes: Yes. It, it really. Yeah. I think there’s a quote about that which is, you know, show up as your be yourself because everybody else has already taken. And that’s a great quote because really no two people are exactly alike and so you’re going to find your own path and your process will be slightly different. So you coach people as well, so I’m sure you know there’s a overall process that typically we go through, but it shows it’s different for everybody. Each person will show up differently, be at a different place, need different coaching and tools to get where they want to go. So that’s a beautiful thing. To me. It’s never too. People are never the same.

Allegra Sinclair: I love that too, but I think the interesting thing is that it sounds pretty fundamental to us, but there are so many people who don’t have anyone in their universe who will tell them it’s OK to be different or it’s OK to be exactly where you are. I think we’re starving for that kind of affirmation.

Jean Haynes: I think that’s really true. And you know, that was one of the things in the coaching program, they would always say, and this is where you are and that’s OK and that’s OK. And so there was that constant reassurance that, you know, you are at a place and things can always change. So we’re never in one place permanently. I mean, that’s the beautiful thing about life. It’s always evolving. We’re always changing. And so I think it is, to know wherever you are, it’s OK and you can make things different.

Allegra Sinclair:  Now, I know you spent a long time in corporate before you started your own practice, but a consulting practices. I know it’s your own business, but it’s also kind of corporate, right? Were most of your clients corporate?

Jean Haynes: Actually, my nonprofit was, was non-profit consulting and so it was a lot of higher education educational institutions. That was where I had done a lot of my fundraising work and so I had, it was a more corporate flavor, absolutely. Um, because there were specific projects and deadlines and the kinds of, of um, tools that you use in corporate, the strategic planning, those kinds of assessments and studies and things like that. So it had a very corporate flavor to it.

Allegra Sinclair: OK. So suffice it to say you’ve worked with women in all different industries, right? So you’ve worked with folks who were entrepreneurs, you’ve worked with people in corporate, you’ve worked with people in Higher Ed, so the breadth of the different people you’ve worked with uniquely positions you to help a lot of different people. Right.

But I’m wondering if there are, some themes that you find when you’re helping people recover from being a good girl. Specifically around how you connect what you want to be with your purpose? And your values, because if I work in a corporation, which I did for many years, and suddenly I realized, OK, so my values are these and that’s not the values of my corporation. Then what?

Jean Haynes: Well, I think that’s where choice comes in and I find that people are, there’s, there’s this tremendous pressure on women to do it all and part of it is self inflicted. You know, we feel like we need to do it all. I, you know, I, I certainly was that person and it still can be at times. And so there’s that piece and so we have this pressure and that’s a lot of stress, but there’s this second layer that is the stress we put on to show up and be something maybe not authentic to ourselves. And I call it a value-action disconnect. So what I mean by that is I might say self care is really important and I know when I’m rested and when I’m taking care of myself and I’m getting exercise, I’m at the top of my game. So I’m saying that’s a value for me, but my actions are that I’m staying late at the office, I’m eating stuff out of a vending machine.

I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks. And it creates a tension in us. And so I think that’s a common theme is this value action disconnect for people. And so getting that in alignment is a big thing towards making you feel on purpose and that you are actually, you know, a lot of times we think we have to do at all to be successful, but sometimes when we can show up as our best self, we may not have to do as much and we get better results.

So I think finding that, really getting to the core of what your values are and then how do you manifest them in your job, wherever you are and whatever is going on, whether that’s corporate, non-profit, in your own business. I think when you have that alignment, things really shift for you and you know, you talk about power, then you really are in your personal power.

Allegra Sinclair: I’m fascinated by some of the things that we’ll do to ourselves. So I loved when you said, um, there’s this tension, you know, to where this pressure and the stress to do it all perfect and all that good stuff and that some of it is self inflicted. And I laughed when you said it because I was like, oh, I might resemble myself in that remark. So what are some of the things that you have seen women do that are self sabotaging? I’ve been talking a lot recently on the blog and on the show about self sabotage, whether it’s like negative self talk or whatever. So what types of things have you seen?

Jean Haynes: One of the things and women in particular do this. There’s a lot of talk about confidence and a lot being written about women and confidence. So one of the things is they feel that they have, they’re not good enough. So if a job has 10 requirements, they’ll think I have to have all 10 or I can’t apply. And then on the opposite side will think I have three, so I’m good to go. And so we think we have to have total mastery and be perfect before we can apply. So we, that’s a way we sabotage ourselves instead of looking at all the great stuff we have done and how quickly we learn and the, all of the skills that we could bring to that position and have that confidence to go for it anyway. So I think that’s one.

Jean Haynes:  I see people really afraid of speaking up a lot of times. And so there’ll be in a meeting and they might disagree, but they don’t say anything because it gets back to that judgment they’re afraid of, well, people will think I’m the rebel in the room or they’ll think I’m not toeing the party line. And so they don’t say anything. And that’s a disconnect between your values because it’s what you think and what you’re doing. And so when you have that underlying tension, you’re usually not very happy in your life and in your work.

So those are two that come, that come to mind just to gauge if there’s a third one. I think having difficult conversations, setting boundaries, boundaries are huge and so many of us, I know I certainly have done this, is to say think that, you know, I have to say yes to everything and whether it’s volunteering or whether it’s something at the office or staying late or coming in over the weekend, I have to say yes to everything.

Jean Haynes:  And one of the big myths about boundaries is that we think it’s the other person’s fault. Like my boss should recognize it’s 6:00 and I need to go home. Truth of the boundary issue is that we’re not communicating what we need and so it’s really up to us to own that and to do that. And that’s really hard for a lot of people, a lot of women, because we don’t want to disappoint someone. We don’t want them to think we’re not up to the job, we don’t want them to get angry. And so we just let it slide. But underneath we might be getting not only burnt out but resentful.

Allegra Sinclair:  Oh, that is good stuff. Right? And then anger turned inward can become depression. So that’s brilliant. So the three things that women can do to sabotage themselves is one kind of counting ourselves out of the process before we even begin. And I love that example. It’s kind of like, um, when we were in college and we’d say, you know, we’d be going out to clubs or whatever and we’d be like, so guys, think every guy thinks he’s a [inaudible], right? Where this is like a two or three, but every guy you meet, things he’s attended, it’s fascinating that, I mean men and women think very differently, but we might discount ourselves right up front. Um, so there’s one way. Another way is, and I don’t love it, but I very passionate about the not showing up, right? So you know, you have something of value to add and you don’t edit for a number of reasons.

And then the third one was failure to set boundaries, which is also magical. It’s interesting that you talked about us thinking that not setting boundaries is the other person’s fault. I hadn’t thought about it that way, but I do see I’m in my own behavior and when I’m talking with clients that we don’t set boundaries because of not so much fear that will disappoint someone, but fear of loss.

So we talked about that a little bit earlier about how people are really afraid to be who they are because of what that might mean in their own life because even if you’re standing in that corporate office, right, as we both were and we’re thinking, oh my goodness, what am I doing? There are benefits to that situation. There are, right? So it’s not like you wake up every day and you’re miserable. There are good and bad aspects of every situation and the loss of people’s admiration or loss of like we’re afraid we won’t be invited back. Those types of things absolutely can lend themselves to not setting good boundaries. The challenge being that, yeah, right. That’s self damaging. Cause if you don’t set boundaries, people will love that so much. Some people will dig that because they have trouble with their own boundaries.

Jean Haynes: So it’s really, um, I hadn’t thought about it either, but it’s really up to me. I, it was kind of like I expected people to be mind readers and to know that I didn’t mind staying late because I always did it. So I conditioned them to expect that I would do that. I set the expectation so it’s up to me to recalibrate that and say, you know, what are the priorities I can get the, you know, this is what we can accomplish and let’s look at deadlines and let’s see how we can work through this. So it’s up to me to, to figure that out. And I think a lot of people are really terrified of that. And as you say, it’s the last. There are fearing that loss of status or admiration or whatever that is.

I have found that, um, usually it gives you such a feeling of power that power comes from trying something that’s a little bit out of our comfort zone. That’s how we grow. And that’s how we get confidence. So that by doing that, and you don’t have to do, you don’t have to go to the head of the company and you know, have a blow up fencing. But if you start to say, well, where is the place? And you can usually figure out where you need to set a boundary because it’s where you’re feeling anxious or where you’re feeling resentful. And so if you start to look at those things, you can say, let’s pick one and start there. So it’s again, that gradual process so that you can build those confidence muscles that you can feel stronger because once you do that, it may be hard and you may lose some people along the way to be truthful, you know?

So yeah. And that’s something you need to be prepared for, um, need to be lost because sometimes one of the good girl characteristics kind of, well, I am nice to everybody and I think you should be nice to everybody, but you don’t need to spend time with people who bring you down. People that aren’t really your friend. And the truth is, if you’re not showing up as your real self, your, you’re kind of putting on a mask or you’re performing a little bit, what are, you know, they’re, you’re, you’re losing a sort of a fake relationship. It’s not really you, it’s not your true relationship. If they can’t accept you as who you are, then it wasn’t really a solid friendship to begin with.

Allegra Sinclair:  I think that one of the first things that I’ll say when I grew up, because I’m not sure that I’m actually grown, but I think one of the things I got really comfortable with, I don’t know how old I was, it was a while ago though, but one of the things that got really comfortable with was being by myself because there’s a difference between being by yourself and being lonely. Right? So I think that was one of the first lessons. So I think, um, I loved it when your coach was like, hey, go find something that’s fun. And I was like, why was having fun in between? But I needed to get really comfortable with distance, right? I needed some time to myself to figure out what do I want, who do I want to be, who do I want to be around. Right. So you can’t do that if there’s too much noise going on.

So I drive some of my friends bananas because I’ll get in the car and it could be in the car for like hours and I won’t have the radio on and they’re like, do that. And I’m like, I’m digging the peace I have. I have deep conversations with myself. I think deep thoughts. I write new songs that only I’m going to hear. I am introverted, right? So I do get energy alone, but I do like giving myself space for the right people to come on in. Right. If I’m totally full up of activities and projects and people that really don’t help me reach my goals, then there’s no room for the stuff that would actually serve me.

Jean Haynes:  I think that you illustrate a great point is that we sometimes hide in our business and it’s a badge of honor that, oh, I’m doing volunteering for this and I’m running this project and I’m taking on this extra assignment at work and I’m busy, busy, busy, busy, because when we’re really busy, maybe we can just deny the things that tension that’s going on or the things that are really unhappy in our life so it can be a way to hide and it’s. Are you just being busy or are you spending time on the right thing? So I think that’s a great point that you made, but I do think a, we tend. That can be a hiding place.

Allegra Sinclair:  Absolutely right. If I’m too busy to pay attention to how miserable I am, then I don’t have to deal with it.

Jean Haynes:  Exactly. It doesn’t go away.

Allegra Sinclair:  That’s the rub, right? Because you think if you ignore something that Oh, if I pretend it’s not there, it won’t be there, but no, it’s will wait.

Jean Haynes: The misery will be patient, it will be right here waiting for you when you get back, but I don’t have that thought of I am an extrovert. And so for me, I wasn’t real busy, busy person and so I did need to get to that place where I could have more space in my mind and more, get more at peace with myself and I’ve done that and what a difference it makes. But for years I was on that treadmill of busy-ness.

Allegra Sinclair:  I love getting older. I know when I was younger I thought, oh my gosh, when I get to be 30, my life is over, right. Oh, to be 17 again and be that silly. But one of the things that I think is a real gift and getting older is that you get so much more comfortable in your skin. Right?

Jean Haynes: Yes. I agree with that. I think um, you know, a lot of times people talk about reinventing yourself. Got To reinvent yourself and reinvent yourself. And my conclusion after doing these different careers and things is that I wasn’t ever really myself. I was just getting closer to who I really am. And so it was more about not creating a new persona, but by just letting the real may come through and each job, each thing that I did got me closer to that. So I don’t use the word reinvention because I don’t really believe that. I think that we’re not reinventing, but we’re just coming home to who we really are. That kind of got a little bit buried or hidden as we got into all this social approval stuff and the things that we thought people wanted us to do or who they wanted us to be.

Allegra Sinclair: I love that. I never thought about reinvention in that way. It’s just when I started to think about what I thought my superpower wasn’t how I get people, I help people get unstuck. Invention didn’t come to me. So for me it was more like revealing or transforming, Because the butterfly, when it’s a caterpillar is still a butterfly, right? It has no idea can be a butterfly.

Well, I thank you so much. I have so enjoyed meeting you were going to talk more, but I had a great time, but for women, I know that one of the things you help women with is if they’re stuck right there in that moment and someone has told them they’ve lost their focus or whatever the watershed moment is and they have no idea what might be blocking them. You do have a resource for people, right? What is that.

Jean Haynes:  Yes, I do. I actually created what I call the good girl quiz and I often get that question is, as you just mentioned, is where do I start? I don’t know where to begin and so by taking the quiz is just a way for you to look at where you are in some places in your life, some of the behaviors that might be serving you very well, things that you’re doing where I’m totally in my power, I can draw a boundary and really stick to it. That’s great, but when it comes to something else, maybe I need a little help. When it comes to comparing myself to other people and I do have a tendency to compare and despair, so it’s a way for them to go through it’s 15 questions, it’s very quick, but it will give you some insights and highlights into some areas where your behaviors that you might be doing that are causing you to hold back, to not be in your confidence and get into that disconnected place where you’re not sure of your next step. So it’s a tool to get you started. And where do they find this tool? They can find that at JeanHaynes.com/quiz.

Allegra Sinclair:  So you can check that quiz, figure out what’s blocking you and get on with the work of being full out fabulous.

Jean Haynes:  Yes, be powerful, be you, and set the world on fire. Fabulous.

Allegra Sinclair:  I want flames everywhere. Well thank you so much gene for pouring into my audience.. As people are going to love this show. If they want other information, but they don’t want the quiz, they can find out more about you and Jean Haynes. Yes. Yes. That’s absolutely right. Are you on social? Where else can they find you?

Jean Haynes: On Facebook and Linkedin. They can search Jean Haynes on facebook and linkedin. And I’d love to connect.

Allegra Sinclair:  Yay. Thank you so much for being here. Have a powerful day.

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